drafted

in the bumbling mess that is my email...i stumbled over a "draft".

that one unfinished thought that meant enough to me at that time to matter.

12/15/10

the most repetitive word was stupid. how stupid i felt. the most hurtful? sabrina. not the name so much. but the facts. that it was 3 years ago. thats how long. i have allowed myself to be tourmented and tortured.  i couldn't believe it. these past few days have been the worse for me. and i realized, i dont forgive. because i don't understand....

how is it that i loved this person soo much. but yet it was soo easy to disregrd me for any one of them? now lets understand. i am not to be inducted to sainthood. i know that. but since 2005, it was never just me. thats all i ever wanted.

today. my heart aches. i can't recal the last time that i felt that. like that achy, day after workout ache. if you could take the love. the unconditional. withstanding. evolving love that i....there would not be a disease known to man that it couldnt cure.

and there is my biggest fault. i love too hard. she says 'i loved you soooo much'

and these words used to evoke such a joy in me that on my darkest days, it would be my refuge. until the realization that i was not the only one hearing these exact same words. this. is my coldest war. and this is where i wil leave my heart. here. in black and white. i dont want a love. i dont need/want anyone to ever tell of make me feel unworthy. i want to save all the love that i have and give it to my children. (yea the ones that i dont have. lol)

i love you.
and you hurt me.
to my core.
and i cannot forgive you.