in the bumbling mess that is my email...i stumbled over a "draft".
that one unfinished thought that meant enough to me at that time to matter.
12/15/10
the most repetitive word was stupid. how stupid i felt. the most hurtful? sabrina. not the name so much. but the facts. that it was 3 years ago. thats how long. i have allowed myself to be tourmented and tortured. i couldn't believe it. these past few days have been the worse for me. and i realized, i dont forgive. because i don't understand....
how is it that i loved this person soo much. but yet it was soo easy to disregrd me for any one of them? now lets understand. i am not to be inducted to sainthood. i know that. but since 2005, it was never just me. thats all i ever wanted.
today. my heart aches. i can't recal the last time that i felt that. like that achy, day after workout ache. if you could take the love. the unconditional. withstanding. evolving love that i....there would not be a disease known to man that it couldnt cure.
and there is my biggest fault. i love too hard. she says 'i loved you soooo much'
and these words used to evoke such a joy in me that on my darkest days, it would be my refuge. until the realization that i was not the only one hearing these exact same words. this. is my coldest war. and this is where i wil leave my heart. here. in black and white. i dont want a love. i dont need/want anyone to ever tell of make me feel unworthy. i want to save all the love that i have and give it to my children. (yea the ones that i dont have. lol)
i love you.
and you hurt me.
to my core.
and i cannot forgive you.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
oh..but yes.
i have resisted for the longest time....
writing another post.
i want to focus on the positive things about my life. hard thought when the vast majority is so negative. so last night i found the new facebook page that you made linking your relationship to another one of your whores. lets be frank here.
we are up to 50 girls. 5 in the past 2 years. and yes this tangled web gets weavier.
i decided months ago that i would no longer look for things. that if i did what i was suppose to do in reference to this relationship, things would come to pass.
and they did.
again
like they always do.
writing another post.
i want to focus on the positive things about my life. hard thought when the vast majority is so negative. so last night i found the new facebook page that you made linking your relationship to another one of your whores. lets be frank here.
we are up to 50 girls. 5 in the past 2 years. and yes this tangled web gets weavier.
i decided months ago that i would no longer look for things. that if i did what i was suppose to do in reference to this relationship, things would come to pass.
and they did.
again
like they always do.
Monday, December 13, 2010
this.
i am going to be honest.
i loved from the depth of everything that is created in me. and. i still do. i was never honest about how the other girls made me feel. about how much it actually hurt. see. you always had the oppurtunity to say that you arent happy and these are the things/reasons why.
it was a hard look. a hard realization. when each and every girl left. there was some reason or something that they had that you wanted me to have.
R. was giving.
C. was the baby's mother.
J. was so nice.
M. was a good mother. great cook. wanted to move to the mountains. wanted to have a lot of sex.
Am1. great singer. young. until she stole from you, she was in there.
4-5 different girls at work. take your pick.
Laq. could. would buy anything. even a car. and . loving...i think.
Rae. the artist. so full of life. young. talented. wnjoyed talking about & wants to have a lot of sex.
A. young. semi-fresh perspective. want to take on the world. but no real direction.
Am2. nurturing. giving. not selfish. loving. wants to have a lot of sex
Bri. "the real woman" she works. has a different culture. and talks about sex alot
these are the ones that i remember. the others. are irrelevant. to my memory that is.
in all these situations. there was 1 thing missing.
respect. that lack of. its crazy to think that many of them didnt even know me. that i existed. or that their odea of me is the 1 that you gave. how selfish i am. how unloving i am. how much of a woman i am not. the crazy antics that i supposedly did. i remember when you dislocated your pinky on the ironing board in the room. man, you were frantic. you called me and i calmed you down and told you that i was coming right on. we called chelsea and even though she had a test she came right on. it was kinda funny bc of how you were. then you had to wear that little splint.
then i found out that you had told rae that you were at your house and hurt yourself and you had to call "stupid courtney to help you. i hate to see her."
or when you told Am2 that i am a crazy bitch and that i kissed all over you when you came around and that you only stay be cause i have nothing else.
or when you told A that i was stalking you and that i was showing up at YOUR house. and she sent that email to buddy mcrandom and thought it was me. and then you supposedly broke it off with her too. but that was a lie. i found out later what you told her.
and with this last 1. who obviously also thinks that i am this crazy bitch. although you jumped up at me and pushed me into the wall, while i had her on the phone. she said that she didnt believe me because things weren't adding up. at that point i knew. you had a completely different life. and im sure that im still the crazy bitch that you have made me out to be.
the thing is, you for the umphteenth time called someone your girl. and you were serious. dee is your friend. ebony is your friend. and you define them as such. but you have effectively removed any reminance of me. so. i effectively do not exist.
i will not say that you dont know how that feels. because i am sure that you do. i will not take that away from you. no matter how much i say that everyone that i know, knows that you and i are together, if you do feel it then its irrelevant. we have both have trust issues. unfortunately mine are tied directly to my emotions. and i need that. to feel safe. i thrive on that. and the one thing that you say that you wanted from me, was tied to that. i wanted it to be the tennessee vs. uconn type. not the xavier vs. nebraska. i mean we will watch them but it doesnt feel the same. i sometimes felt that you didnt place as much emphasis on that
i loved from the depth of everything that is created in me. and. i still do. i was never honest about how the other girls made me feel. about how much it actually hurt. see. you always had the oppurtunity to say that you arent happy and these are the things/reasons why.
it was a hard look. a hard realization. when each and every girl left. there was some reason or something that they had that you wanted me to have.
R. was giving.
C. was the baby's mother.
J. was so nice.
M. was a good mother. great cook. wanted to move to the mountains. wanted to have a lot of sex.
Am1. great singer. young. until she stole from you, she was in there.
4-5 different girls at work. take your pick.
Laq. could. would buy anything. even a car. and . loving...i think.
Rae. the artist. so full of life. young. talented. wnjoyed talking about & wants to have a lot of sex.
A. young. semi-fresh perspective. want to take on the world. but no real direction.
Am2. nurturing. giving. not selfish. loving. wants to have a lot of sex
Bri. "the real woman" she works. has a different culture. and talks about sex alot
these are the ones that i remember. the others. are irrelevant. to my memory that is.
in all these situations. there was 1 thing missing.
respect. that lack of. its crazy to think that many of them didnt even know me. that i existed. or that their odea of me is the 1 that you gave. how selfish i am. how unloving i am. how much of a woman i am not. the crazy antics that i supposedly did. i remember when you dislocated your pinky on the ironing board in the room. man, you were frantic. you called me and i calmed you down and told you that i was coming right on. we called chelsea and even though she had a test she came right on. it was kinda funny bc of how you were. then you had to wear that little splint.
then i found out that you had told rae that you were at your house and hurt yourself and you had to call "stupid courtney to help you. i hate to see her."
or when you told Am2 that i am a crazy bitch and that i kissed all over you when you came around and that you only stay be cause i have nothing else.
or when you told A that i was stalking you and that i was showing up at YOUR house. and she sent that email to buddy mcrandom and thought it was me. and then you supposedly broke it off with her too. but that was a lie. i found out later what you told her.
and with this last 1. who obviously also thinks that i am this crazy bitch. although you jumped up at me and pushed me into the wall, while i had her on the phone. she said that she didnt believe me because things weren't adding up. at that point i knew. you had a completely different life. and im sure that im still the crazy bitch that you have made me out to be.
the thing is, you for the umphteenth time called someone your girl. and you were serious. dee is your friend. ebony is your friend. and you define them as such. but you have effectively removed any reminance of me. so. i effectively do not exist.
i will not say that you dont know how that feels. because i am sure that you do. i will not take that away from you. no matter how much i say that everyone that i know, knows that you and i are together, if you do feel it then its irrelevant. we have both have trust issues. unfortunately mine are tied directly to my emotions. and i need that. to feel safe. i thrive on that. and the one thing that you say that you wanted from me, was tied to that. i wanted it to be the tennessee vs. uconn type. not the xavier vs. nebraska. i mean we will watch them but it doesnt feel the same. i sometimes felt that you didnt place as much emphasis on that
Sunday, December 12, 2010
exhausting neglect
i learned something today....
listen to yur dreams.
they are speaking to you.
i have never been the one to answer to or listen to my dreams. because i dream very randomly. earlier i had a dream about someone's brother and i getting into an argument. he being the argumentative type. me? i prettymuch just say what i think or what i feel. and if you like it? ok. if not,.....yea. i really dont care about.
*on my tumblr the other day someone posted "today, im trying really hard not to give an extra fuck". i like that. just thought i tell you.*
today. i realozed that i have been living in a dream. and not a good 1 either. so i will end this by saying:
listen to yur dreams.
they are speaking to you.
i have never been the one to answer to or listen to my dreams. because i dream very randomly. earlier i had a dream about someone's brother and i getting into an argument. he being the argumentative type. me? i prettymuch just say what i think or what i feel. and if you like it? ok. if not,.....yea. i really dont care about.
*on my tumblr the other day someone posted "today, im trying really hard not to give an extra fuck". i like that. just thought i tell you.*
today. i realozed that i have been living in a dream. and not a good 1 either. so i will end this by saying:
- im selfish
- i will always be compared to the tomfoolery of the past
- never believe what someone tells you about their situation with someone else. jsut be patient and give it time.
peace.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
tight rope
you know. 1 false move on a tight rope will cause you to plunge to your death. especially if you don't have a safty net.
------------------------
i am not the old me.
that ain't who i choose to be.
so please don't make me.
------------------------
people don't treat people the same anymore. it seems to ba a part of the milton brothers plot to take over the world.
1love
love1
------------------------
i am not the old me.
that ain't who i choose to be.
so please don't make me.
------------------------
people don't treat people the same anymore. it seems to ba a part of the milton brothers plot to take over the world.
1love
love1
Saturday, October 31, 2009
i am in the dark.
again.
its not a good place. sadness is resurfacing and attempting to bacome my ally.
these.feet.
defeat.
---------------------------------------
i have always had the worst habit of 'putting things together.
like times at which things happen. usually my way of catching people in lies. see people have the "habit of attempting" to try to make you feel a way that is not reality. not yours anyway. but the one that they feel is appropriate. to solicit the response that they want you to have. i say this because it is a post that i had starter. months ago. and i wanted to finish it.
---------------------------------------
today. i am saying. things add up. but don't let them add up to you being minus one.
again.
its not a good place. sadness is resurfacing and attempting to bacome my ally.
these.feet.
defeat.
---------------------------------------
i have always had the worst habit of 'putting things together.
like times at which things happen. usually my way of catching people in lies. see people have the "habit of attempting" to try to make you feel a way that is not reality. not yours anyway. but the one that they feel is appropriate. to solicit the response that they want you to have. i say this because it is a post that i had starter. months ago. and i wanted to finish it.
---------------------------------------
today. i am saying. things add up. but don't let them add up to you being minus one.
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